Submitted by sweetHoneyBee
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
If you get frustrated easily by absurd scenarios, then this play is not for you. It is largely a parody of Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot with a little of Eugene Ionesco's The Bald Soprano. Amaury's story, "The Fox and the Snake," is taken from The Bald Soprano and the characters, with the exception of Mr. Nolasco, are taken from Waiting for Godot. If you find this play in the least bit humorous, permission to laugh is hereby granted.
ACT I: SCENE 1
Outside of Joliet Prison.
Evening.
A Wentian brown Wentibago is parked upstage right.
A palm tree down stage left.
(Enter Vladimir)
Vladimir: Gogo!...Gogo!...where are you? Oh confound it! Confound it all! (Wentibago door opens and out rolls Estragon.) So, there you are again?
Estragon: Am I?
Vladimir: May one inquire as to where his Highness spent the night?
Estragon: In a Wentibago.
Vladimir: A Wentibago? Where?
Estragon: (without gesture) There. (Doorbell rings) Would you mind getting that for me? (Vladimir goes off stage right as if to answer a door. Estragon struggles to remove his gray New Balance. Vladimir re-enters heatedly stage left.)
Vladimir: No one there! Confound it! Confound it all! (Observing Estragon) What are you doing?
Estragon: Removing my shoe. Did that never happen to you?
(Enter Pozzo, led by Lucky who is accessorized with bridle and bit. Pozzo has a riding crop and picnic basket.)
Pozzo: Woah, my steed! Stop!...I say, stop! (Pozzo releases the reigns of the bridle and begins to beat Lucky profusely with riding crop.)
Vladimir: Gentle sir, might that have been you at our door just seconds ago?
(Pozzo ceases beating and Lucky recovers as though nothing has happened.)
Pozzo: Gentlemen, if it were me, I would have presented myself right at this very moment.
Estragon: Does it not hurt him when you beat him so?
Pozzo: (turns to Lucky) Well, wretch, does it? (Lucky shrugs and shakes his head indifferently) I would say that he rather enjoys it.
Estragon: How queer.
Pozzo: Since I am stopped, I may as well ask – what might you gentlemen be doing on this road?
Vladimir: We are waiting for The Pretty. He is to meet us here by this tree. My companion is a bit restless, though. I think he may be hungry.
Pozzo: (joyously setting down picnic basket) Ahah! My friend, my friend – we shall partake, you and I, in a feast to celebrate… (Thinks) our newfound friendship.
(Estragon stands and crosses to Pozzo as Pozzo begins to shift through basket. He pulls out two glasses of margaritas and hands them to Lucky. He then takes out a plate of chips whilst Lucky replaces the drinks. Next is a bowl of guacamole as the chips are replaced. Finally, a bag of Double-Stuf Oreos are placed in Lucky’s care, then back into the picnic basket. Pozzo turns to Estragon and Vladimir to receive blank stares, and then turns to an empty-handed Lucky who smiles at him dopily.) Wretch!...imbecile!...son of a motherless wench! (Turns to Estragon and Vladimir) Gentlemen, the bonds that we have bound today may never be severed. (Closes basket and picks it up, grabbing hold of Lucky’s reigns.) Forward, trusty steed! (Exeunt Lucky and Pozzo)
Vladimir: What a lovely couple.
Estragon: (looking around) Beautiful spot here. Absolutely divine. I can hear the choirs of the FCoWM singing at this very moment. Let's go.
Vladimir: We can't.
Estragon: Why not?
Vladimir: We're waiting for The Pretty. (Doorbell rings)
Estragon: Get that for me, won't you? (Vladimir goes off, stage left this time, as if to answer a door. Estragon walks over to observe the tree. He stares at it intently as if to figure out its mystery. Vladimir re-enters, this time stage right, once again agitated.)
Vladimir: Confound it!...confound it all!...no one again.
Estragon: I don't know why you continue to answer it.
Vladimir: Well, what shall we do?
Estragon: When?
Vladimir: Now…while we wait for The Pretty.
Estragon: I say we decorate this Christmas tree.
Vladimir: (looking around) Where?
Estragon: (pointing without direction) Here…what is it?
Vladimir: A willow. Judas hung himself on a willow.
(Enter Lucky, led by Pozzo who is now wearing the bridle and bit. Lucky is equipped with riding crop.)
Lucky: Whoa, trusty steed!...whoa!...whoa, I say! (Lucky releases the reigns of the bridle and proceeds to beat Pozzo mercilessly with riding crop.)
Vladimir: Sweet-tempered master, it's been far too long since we last saw each other!
(Lucky ceases with his lashings to address Vladimir as Pozzo stands as if unscathed.)
Lucky: My good friends! How long has it been? Several years, at least?
Estragon: At least.
Vladimir: Look, Gogo, he's grown so big. But I must ask you, sir, was it you who rang our doorbell?
Lucky: Dear, dear friend, I tell you now that if it had been me, I would have waited until now to reveal myself.
Vladimir: That is true.
Estragon: Tell us of your travels, kind friend.
Lucky: On my journeys I have run into many a scene and scenario. One night in particular, I ran into a giant cocktail who called herself Margarita, a saucy wench she was. And she was accompanied by three friends who called themselves Chips, Guacamole, and Oreo. They were absolutely delectable. They danced a dance which they said was for The Pretty; a dance so beautiful, it made the stars fall from the sky for shame – this dance called, "Dance of a Thousand Drunkards."
Vladimir: (moved) How stunning. You should have been a poet.
Lucky: Why, I am. Is it not obvious?
Estragon: Would you happen to have anything to eat in your satchel?
Lucky: Hmm… (turns to Pozzo) Did you pack a lunch for us? (A long pause. Finally, Pozzo throws the "shocker” to Estragon while lewdly sticking out his tongue.) Such an obsequious beast. He makes my heart proud. (Picking up reigns) Adieu, gentlemen. God only knows when we shall meet again. (Exeunt Lucky and Pozzo)
Estragon: (calling after them) Next time, bring Subway! (To Vladimir) Didi, are you sure this is the spot?
Vladimir: He said by the tree. Do you see any others?
Estragon: What if he doesn't come? Do we return tomorrow?
Vladimir: If we must. He will show. What shall we give him?
Estragon: As a gift?
Vladimir: How about a belt?
Estragon: We've got no belts to give.
Vladimir: Where's the rope I gave you yesterday?
Estragon: I've tied it around my waist. It holds my pants up…much like a belt.
Vladimir: Give it to me. We shall give it to him. He shall be pleased. It's a beautiful shade of brown.
Estragon: It is serving me much use. I'll keep it.
Vladimir: But The Pretty will be so happy when he receives your gift. He'll probably bring you into the house with all of the Oreos you can eat.
Estragon: That's quite a lovely prospect. (Hands over brown belt, a.k.a. rope) I do feel better. (Doorbell rings)
Vladimir: You get it this time.
(Estragon exits stage right as if to answer a door. Vladimir studies Wentibago.) Where did this contraption come from? An odd thing it is, but a nice Wentian brown. (Enter Estragon and Amaury)
Estragon: Look who's here, Didi. It's the Fire Chief.
Vladimir: Sucre! How wonderful to see you again!
Amaury: I must apologize to you both.
Vladimir: Whatever for?
Amaury: I rang the doorbell.
Estragon: You rang the doorbell?
Amaury: Yes. Three times.
Vladimir: But there was no one there. I checked.
Estragon: He did. Twice.
Amaury: I hid in the bushes.
Vladimir: Oh well. All's well that ends well.
Estragon: Tell us, have you come prepared with a story?
Vladimir: Oh, you do have the most elaborate, wonderfully true stories.
Amaury: (thinks) There is something I am meant to tell you. It is of the greatest importance, though I can't remember just what…
Estragon: It will come to you if you just forget about it and tell us a story.
Amaury: Good sirs, indeed you speak truth. Hmm…oh! Here's one:
"The Snake and the Fox." Once upon a time, a snake came up to a fox and said: "It seems to me that I know you!" The fox replied to him: "Me too." "Then," said the snake, "give me some money." "A fox doesn't give money," replied the tricky animal, who, in order to escape, jumped down into a deep ravine full of strawberries and chicken honey. But the snake was there waiting for him with a Mephistophelean laugh. The fox pulled out his knife, shouting: "I'm going to teach you how to live!" Then he took to flight, turning his back. But he had no luck. The snake was quicker. With a well-chosen blow of his fist, he struck the fox in the middle of his forehead, which broke into a thousand pieces, while he cried: "No! No! Four times no! I'm not your daughter."
Vladimir: (clapping) Wonderful story! Bravo!
Estragon: And a true one at that. I read it in the paper.
Amaury: I was present when it occurred.
Vladimir: I am certain that The Pretty loves such stories.
Amaury: A veritably astute observation. And I have remembered my message to you. The Pretty will not come today. He says come back tomorrow. (To audience) By the way, my name isn't really Sucre. I am Mary Poppins. (Exeunt Amaury. Estragon and Vladimir look at each other in utter defeat. Both sit down under palm tree as lights fade to black. Curtain.)
T h e E n d
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